


Per Adversa Ad Luce : Through Adversity to the Light ~ Two ~ Fulguris Lucem : Flashes of Light

by Lezzles



Series: Per Adversa Luce ~ Through Adversity to the Light [2]
Category: Castle
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crime Scenes, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2017-12-31 16:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1033927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lezzles/pseuds/Lezzles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.<br/>Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.</p><p>Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.<br/>All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.</p><p>I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.<br/>I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Realitatum - Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: A HUGE thank you to Firestar385 for beta reading, Americanizing and generally correcting this work. Any remaining mistakes are mine!
> 
> Please let me know what you think. All constructive criticism is welcomed - I haven't written in quite a while and the only way to improve is to take on board other people's comments. I hope you will enjoy the reading journey as much as I am enjoying the writing one.
> 
> Bookart for this work can be found in Part 3 of this series

 

* * *

 

 

 

_"Well, I never did much like reality."_

Rick Castle _:_ Flowers For Your Grave

* * *

"The gunshot wounds are not really of any concern. They were both through-and-throughs. I'm not too worried about the burns and lacerations either, as they were far worse than they looked, and should heal fairly quickly. He DID lose a lot of blood and his heart was compromised by the electrocution, but we are closely monitoring him and the drip is quickly replacing the fluid lost. What I AM concerned about is his back. As you can see we have him propped on his side, but the cuts and welts are deep and will be extremely painful at first when he wakes up. They are going to leave scars, but we maybe will be able to do grafts to improve things somewhat later on."

"But you're saying he WILL recover?"

"Physically, yes. We can assess the traumatic impact when he wakes and can talk to us."

"So what can we do?"

"Just be here and talk to him. It's very possible he can hear you."

"Right! We can do that."

…

 

"Hey Bro, we're all here… "

…

 

"Come on Kev, open those baby blues for us… "

…

 

"His parents are here…"

"Oh my God! Kevin!"

"I don't understand. Why did this happen?"

"He was… "

…

 

"So they say we need to talk to you, but it's really hard to see you like this. You were always such an active little boy, running around from one thing to the next. And always so nosey and wanting to know what everything was for and how it all worked. Oh God, Kevin, is that what this was? Did you want to find something that others couldn't? Just look at you… I can't do this… Patrick, I've gotta get out of here."

"Bridie… Now look Son, your ma's upset and had to go and I need to go after her and look after her. This is the thing I was worried about when you wanted to join the NYPD. It wasn't that I wasn't proud of you, just worried what it could do to those who love you. You really oughta have taken more care, y'know? You had a wife to think about, not just yourself… but that's not to talk about now. We'll be back as soon as your ma can cope. Till then, you concentrate on getting better."

…

 

"Why won't he wake up, doc?"

"Detective Esposito, you have to understand your partner has experienced an extreme physical and emotional trauma. His mind is pro… "

…

"We need to organize the funeral and the wake - we can't wait any longer."

"We need to bury our daughter. I'm sorry her husband can't be there, but you have to…. "

…

 

" ' "  _... There's a Good Book about goodness and how to be good and so forth, but there's no Evil Book about evil and how to be bad. The Devil has no prophets to write his Ten Commandments and no team of authors to write his biography. We know nothing about him but a lot of fairy stories from our parents and schoolmasters. He has no book from which we can learn the nature of evil in all its forms, with parables about evil people, proverbs about evil people, folk lore about evil people. All we have is the living example of people who are least good, or our own intuition. So," continued Bond, warming to his argument, "Le Chiffre was serving a wonderful purpose, a really vital purpose, perhaps the best…" ' "_

…

 

"Hey Kev. How are you doing? Castle and Espo have gone to get a bite to eat, so you've just got me for now. It's hard to come back, I know. It was hard for me, too; and you've got far more cause for pain than I ever had, even though I lost my mom. There won't be a rabbit hole, for you at least, Kev, because we DID get them. We got them all. We need… I need you to come back to us. To know that we love you, and miss you. You may not be ready to hear that yet, but now the thought is there, maybe it will grow until you believe it."

…

 

"I gotta tell you, Ryan, you really need to wake up soon. Our friends are not doing so good without you. It hurts, sweetie, I know, but you need to get back here where we can help you, and where you can help us. Javi needs his partner. I know he pretends to be all macho-man but you know his insides are just pure honey. Kate, well my girl is just never gonna forgive herself for not getting to you sooner than they did; and Castle is kinda drowning without the one person who actually agrees with his far out theories. So, I'm just saying, come back to us… soon."

…

 

" ' _Luck in all its moods had to be loved and not feared. Bond saw luck as a woman, to be softly wooed or brutally ravaged, never pandered to or pursued. But he was honest enough to admit that he had never yet been made to suffer by cards or by women. One day, and he accepted the fact, he would be brought to his knees by love or by luck…_  ' "

…

 

"So, it's just you and me for a while, Bro. Castle and Beckett will be back soon though. Anyway, I've been needing to talk to you alone, so I'll grab my chance. I wanted to say I… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I treated you about the whole backing up Beckett thing. I know you were backing her up too, just not the same way as I did. She's alive because of you, Bro. You did a much better job than me. Truth is, it was me that was the Judas, for not letting my damn pride recognize that."

…

 

On the fifth day after he was rescued from the warehouse on Staten Island, Kevin Ryan opened his eyes and faced reality. A reality where he was alone. Where he was without his wife and child. Oh he knew he wasn't really alone. He still had his mother and father, his sisters and brother, his nieces and nephew. He still had his friends and colleagues at the 12th Precinct. But he still FELT alone because they were not the ones he wanted.

His family and friends all knew the pain he had come through. They all wanted, in their own ways, to be there to support him. But there was no way they could… not yet at least. The truth was they could never understand how much more painful it was, to simply come back… to reality.

…

* * *

 

FYI: The extracts that Castle is reading to Ryan are from 'Casino Royale' by Ian Fleming.

* * *

 


	2. Miseria - Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.  
> Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.
> 
> Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.  
> All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.
> 
> I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.  
> I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

 

* * *

 

_Well it's what partners do… Right?_

Kevin Ryan : Cloudy with a Chance of Murder

* * *

Misery... He woke to misery and fell asleep to it. It was his complete life now.

Oh he covered it well; with a smile usually in place, the occasional flash of his old deadpan humor, and he always carried himself with purpose… no dejected stance for him. He fooled most of the people most of the time; but he wasn't sure about Gates and he KNEW his partners didn't believe. They were still walking on eggshells and treating him like he was made of glass.

They didn't seem to understand that he needed to move on and the only way he could was by immersing himself in the job, doing all the things that needed to be done. That meant facing crime scenes however violent the crimes had been. It meant talking to grieving relatives and it meant chasing after violent people who had inflicted harm on others, and could inflict harm on him. It did NOT mean just sitting at his desk doing endless paperwork and research on the computer or running around canvassing for witnesses. But whenever there was a body drop, he always seemed to be the last one to get the call, and the case was screened (usually by Esposito) before he got anywhere near it. Sometimes he was just sent off to do some canvassing or computer research and never got to see the scene at all.

Take the case they were on now, for instance. A young woman had been found in the park by a jogger. Apparently, she had been shot three times in the chest and stomach, but he only knew that because he'd been told so by Beckett. By the time he had received the call, and arrived there, Lanie already had the body bagged and it was being put into the van. And true to form, Beckett said she and Castle would go talk to the parents, Esposito could go and talk to the boyfriend and HE could organize a canvass of the area for witnesses. Well, enough was enough…

"Esposito's my partner, and questioning shouldn't be done alone. How about I go with him and the uniforms canvass for witnesses?" There was a moments silence and then everyone spoke at once…

"I'll be fine, Bro. Doesn't need both of us to talk to one man…"

"I really think it would be better if you are on top of the canvassing. Uniforms can miss things that might not seem important…"

"Things get done so much faster if you split the resources…"

"Fine!" he interrupted them, "I'll see you back at the precinct." And he sharply turned away from them and went to talk to the uniforms waiting nearby.

…

On returning to the 12th, Ryan went to speak to Gates and requested a transfer.

"I can understand your needing to leave homicide, Detective, but would be really sorry to see you leave. Perhaps if you gave it a little more time…"

"I still want to work homicide, just not here." Gates seemed taken aback by that statement, but then slowly nodded.

"I'd like you to think about it for a couple of days, but if you still want it at the end of the week I'll put it through."

"Thanks."

…

As he knew she would, as soon as Beckett and Castle got back to the precinct, Gates called them in, to speak to them. And then, THEY spoke to Esposito. They would be talking to him next, but he wouldn't change his mind. He'd had enough.

"Ryan can we get a coffee? We need to talk to you." He closed his eyes briefly, and then nodded and went into the break room followed by the others. He sat down facing Beckett and Esposito, while Castle busied himself making the coffees.

"So talk… but before you start I'm telling you I'm not changing my mind. They glanced at each other and then Esposito took the lead.

"Why do you want to leave us, Bro? We care about you and want to be there for you. You won't have that in another precinct."

"Maybe not, but I'll tell you what I WILL have somewhere else. A chance to do my job… MY JOB!... I wanted homicide to help all those people left behind, and now that I'm one of that number, I want it even more. I've lost my future and my home and my family. Hell, I nearly lost my life as well and a lot of the time I wish I had, and sometimes even think about finishing the job they started…" He held up his hand as Esposito moved towards him… "But I won't do that because as well as it being a mortal sin, Jenny would kick my ass right down to hell if I tried!"

He took a breath and then slowly continued. "You have to understand… the only thing I have left is my job and you are all so busy trying to take care of me and protect me that you won't let me do it. I can't go on like this. I need… I need…" and his voice faded into silence as he broke down in front of them. The one thing he had tried so hard not to do. He felt arms encircle him as Esposito pulled him into a hug, and then Beckett and Castle were there hugging him, as well.

As they stepped apart Beckett softly spoke, "I'm sorry Kevin, we thought we were helping you. I thought we were helping you and never thought you were feeling like this. But I should have realized because it's how I felt, as well, when my mom was killed."

"We're not them, Bro, but we ARE your family. You're not alone and what we did was because we love you. But if you need us to take a step back, we can do that too. We just don't want to lose you."

"I just want my partner back, Javi. The one I actually get to work with."

"Till the wheels fall off? Yeah Bro, I get it."

"So does that mean you ARE going to change your mind? Because I'm telling you, just being left with the two skeptics is going to seriously erode my ability to come up with brilliant theories as to why the crimes we are looking at have happened."

Ryan smiled, in spite of himself. "You don't need me to back you up, Castle. Your imagination can take flight all on its own."

"Why, thank you, Sir. But actually a little agreement, always helps to validate even the wildest of theories. And anyway, who else would be able to understand and conjecture on the predictability of our stupidity when Beckett and I get ourselves into scrapes and need rescuing?"

"Hey!" Beckett shouted, affronted, "speak for yourself."

"So," said Esposito getting back on track, "does this mean you'll stay?"

"Yeah. I'll stay. For now."

…

Misery... He woke to misery and fell asleep to it. It was his life now. But maybe not completely. There were times when he COULD escape from it for a little while. When he immersed himself in his job. When he helped another victim get justice. And when he basked in the warm glow of his cop family and realized that THEY needed HIM.

…


	3. Retro in Labor - Back on the Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.  
> Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.
> 
> Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.  
> All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.
> 
> I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.  
> I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

 

" _Isn't every murder a tragedy?"_  


Kevin Ryan: Law and Murder

* * *

"Ryan… Ok, I'll be there in 15."

As he readied himself to go to the crime scene, his body was on auto-pilot, but his mind was racing, trying to analyze the feelings coursing through him. He felt relief and satisfaction that his partners had kept their word and stopped 'protecting' him; the call had come from dispatch after all; but he also felt apprehension at what the day would bring. In a few minutes he would be facing the full picture of a violent act for the first time since his trashed apartment… and Jenny.

He stopped for a moment and took a deep breath as he flashed to the last time he had seen his wife. Just a glimpse of her; on the floor, with blood pouring from her stomach and her eyes full of pain and fear; before he had dived for the man holding the gun with the only weapon he could reach. But he never got another chance to look at her, to go to her and help her, because the world went black… and then the nightmare truly began.

…

The feeling of apprehension got stronger the nearer and nearer he got to the scene. He realized he must be out of practice at getting ready at speed, because he was the last one there, and this time not by their devising. Lanie was crouched at one side of the body, facing a similarly crouched Beckett, Castle was stood above them and Esposito was off at a distance speaking to a young man in a baseball cap.

He took another deep breath and walked to them, looking down at the victim as he neared. He saw a thin, scrawny man with a knife stuck deep in his gut. He looked old, sixty at least, although the unkempt appearance and the long greasy hair could have been disguising someone younger. And then Ryan looked closer, and the apprehension was chased away as he realized something…

"I know him." The three of them looked towards him as he spoke,

"You know him?," Beckett echoed.

"Yeah," he crouched beside her and took a closer look, "his name's Mickey Ross. He's a small time thief and drug dealer. Will do anything, really, to make money. Anything to pay for his habit, even drop information sometimes. I picked him up a couple of times when I was with Narcotics, and he helped me out a few times more."

"He's a druggie?"

"No. A gambler, but not a very good one. He always seems to lose. Usually owed money all over."

"OK, well that's your angle. See if you can find who he owes money to at the moment; and check his financials. Go get your partner to help you, he's over there with the guy who found him." Ryan nodded and headed towards Esposito, while Beckett turned back to Lanie.

"Got anything?" he asked Esposito, who was now alone.

"Nah, the kid was just cutting through the alley on his way to work at the all night diner on the corner of Lexington and East Fifty-First. He starts at five AM. Didn't see anything, except the body."

"We're heading back to the precinct. Got an ID and need to check him out."

"How d'ya manage that? There was nothing on the body that I could see."

"Ah… ninja powers! No, actually, I recognized him from my Narc days."

"Well, damn! Knew we kept you around for a reason! Come on, let's get at it."

Ryan gave a small smile as he followed Esposito back to their cars. It felt good to be bantering with his partner again. They'd slipped into it without thinking, and until then he hadn't realized how much he'd missed it. He understood now that it wasn't just his partner's protectiveness that had bothered him for the weeks he had been back at work, but also that communication with them had been stilted and unnatural as they avoided saying anything they thought could potentially upset him. It was nice to feel they were getting back to normal.

…

By lunchtime they had two possible suspects; Ray Millbrook and Phil Sullivan who were both bookies.

"Do we like these guys?" Beckett asked, "any preference?"

"Well the word is he owes both of them money, but nothing excessive, and the problem is both are more likely to encourage payment out of your hide than to order a hit."

"It could have gone wrong, but I must admit a knife isn't usually an enforcer's weapon of choice."

"CSU found a couple of partials on the knife, but they've had no hits." Esposito had joined the conversation

"Most of the guys who work for those two are known, so unless they have someone new..?" Ryan raised his hands in question.

"What about his financials?"

"Bank account and his one card are both maxed out, but that's normal for him. He pays in at random times, usually a few hundred at a time. Hasn't paid anything in for quite a while."

"So there is possible motive if he's owing them. OK, let's go have a chat with them, maybe something will fall. You two take Millbrook and Castle and I will talk to Sullivan."

…

Unfortunately, nothing did drop and a couple of hours later the four of them were staring at the murder board together hoping for some inspiration. Beckett shook her head.

"There's nothing popping up to explain this, maybe it was just a random mugging. With no family to talk to we can't even get a clear idea of what he was doing recently. Has he always been alone?"

"When I first knew him, he lived with his younger brother. The kid was mentally disabled. Apparently he'd been in an accident leaving him brain damaged. Mickey really seemed to care about the kid, and always made sure he was ok. Anyway, must have been accident prone 'cause he got run down by a car, hit and run. Was DOA at the hospital. After that the gambling, everything got worse. Mickey just didn't care anymore. Now there's no-one."

"Well, I think we need to write this up as a random attack, though I hate doing that. It's too easy to write things off, but…" She was interrupted by the phone.

"Beckett, OK. Be right down… Belay the write up; that was Lanie. She may have something."

…

The information Lanie had, gave them a way forward. She had found DNA under Mickey's fingernails, and had gotten a match to DNA collected from the body of a serious assault victim, currently in Mercy General Hospital. The victim was a young man with learning difficulties. Dwight Curtis was 15 years old and the social services were on alert because he lived with an alcoholic father, who was believed to ill-treat him. Nothing had been proven, however, and Dwight became very distressed when he was asked about it. Without a complaint or evidence the authorities were stuck. He had been brought into the hospital by ambulance the previous night, and had been severely beaten. He'd been accompanied in by a youth worker from his local recreation center, who had called the ambulance when she'd found him on the center's doorstep. Dwight's father had been found, dead drunk, in a local bar. It had also been confirmed he was there all night, so although guilty of locking his son out of their home, he hadn't been the one to beat him. Beckett decided she and Castle would go to talk to Dwight, and she sent Ryan and Esposito to talk to the youth worker, Delia Rosslyn, at the Recreation Center. She had been a little worried about Ryan who, while taking the death of Mickey in stride, had seemed to be upset by the details on Dwight; but she felt they had to keep their word and give him a chance to get back into the job properly. She spoke quietly to Castle as they followed the detective partnership to the elevators.

"Do you think he'll be ok?"

"We've got to let him out to play, or he'll run away and we'll lose him anyway," said Castle. "All we can do is be there for any fallout, and help him then. It's hard, I know, but there's no other way to do it. I learned that with Alexis." She gave him a small smile.

"You're a damn good father, you know, Castle. I like it when you show me that side of you." He returned the smile, pleased to see he had removed the frown from her face.

"Thank you."

…

"So, Mrs. Rosslyn. Can you tell us what happened last night and how you came to find Dwight?" Ryan took the lead with the questions. Delia Rosslyn was an attractive woman who looked to be in her early forties. She'd given them both coffee and then they'd sat down to talk.

"I'd locked up at ten and gone home, but I realized I'd left my phone. My husband is away at the moment, he's a long distance driver and we're having trouble with our house phone, so I needed to come and get it. I made sure my sons were OK, they're fifteen and seventeen so fine to leave alone, and then I came back to get it. I got to the center about a half past eleven. I went in to get my phone, must have only been a couple of minutes, but as I got back to the door, Dwight fell against it. I could see he was badly hurt so I phoned for an ambulance. Did you find his dad? I've thought for a long time Dwight needs taking away from him. I keep phoning the services."

"It wasn't his father, Mrs. Rosslyn."

"But… it must have been. I mean, who else? Dwight wouldn't hurt a soul. Unless… oh but they wouldn't… it was just joking around."

"Mrs. Rosslyn, what are you talking about? Who was only joking?"

"Well there are some other boys who come to the center. They are all about fifteen, sixteen. Dwight always tries to talk to them and be with them. He says he's not a little kid and should be with friends his own age. They make fun of him at times, but they usually put up with him. Recently, however, it's gotten a bit nasty at times. There's this new boy and he's a bit of a trouble-maker. But I'm sure they wouldn't have gone that far."

"And they were at the center that night?"

"Well, yes, at first they were. I had to ask them to leave about eight thirty, because I found they had beer. I asked them where they'd gotten it, but they wouldn't tell me. I confiscated it from them and told them to leave and not to bring any again, or they couldn't come back to the center."

"What about Dwight? Was he with them?"

"No, but he never came 'til after eight. He might have met them as they were leaving, because he didn't come that night at all. Well, not until he came later, of course."

"We're going to need the boys' names?" She sighed and then nodded.

…

When Ryan and Esposito got back to the precinct, they found Beckett adding to the murder board timeline.

"We didn't get much from Dwight," she told them, "he was very confused and frightened. But he kept mentioning someone called Donny, and that they were hitting him, and that the man stopped them. We're thinking the man he was talking about could be Mickey Ross."

"Well I think you might be right, after we tell you what we got." They filled Castle and Beckett in on what they had learned from Delia Rosslyn.

"And the boys names," Ryan concluded. "Joey Roberts, Shaun Thomas, and best of all, the new ringleader is called Donny Michaels."

"We need to bring them all in, with their parents, especially Donny. There's enough to take DNA and fingerprints. I'll get a warrant."

…

Quite a few hours later, the four were to be found in The Old Haunt with beers in front of them, talking about the successful and rapid conclusion to Ryan's first proper case back on the job. The whole thing had been solved in less than twenty-four hours.

Once the boys were brought in it hadn't taken long to piece the whole sorry story together. They had left the center, and as Delia Rosslyn suggested Dwight had been just arriving and had tagged along with them. Donny had a false ID and had bought more beer, which they all consumed, getting very drunk. They wouldn't let Dwight have any and he got upset and when they weren't looking he'd grabbed one so he could join in. Donny had lost it at that point and started attacking him, hitting and kicking. The others had found this very funny and joined in. Then Mickey Ross was there and grabbed hold of Donny, trying to stop them. Suddenly the boys were in a fight with someone who could fight back, even if it was three to one. Dwight had taken off, and Joey had grabbed a piece of wood to bring it down on Mickey's back, trying to get him to release Donny. While distracted by the blow, Donny had pulled out a knife and plunged it into Mickey's gut. To Joey's horror, he had then laughed and kicked the downed man. Joey and Shaun had both run for home as fast as they could, and they seemed to be genuinely upset about what had happened. Donny, however, had just got angry and said that Mickey had deserved what he got for interrupting them teaching the 'retard' a lesson.

"So, no good deed goes unpunished!" observed Castle.

"Whatever else he did in his life, at heart he was a good man," said Ryan.

"Well you said he'd always cared for his brother," said Beckett. "He obviously believed in standing up for those weaker than himself."

"Yeah," agreed Esposito, "and that's something that should be celebrated."

"So," Ryan held up his bottle. "A toast to Mickey Ross, whatever his life, he died a hero."

"Mickey Ross," they all said, and then Esposito added, "and to Kevin Ryan, my partner, back on the job where he belongs."

"Amen to that, to Ryan."

…


	4. Parva ~ The Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.  
> Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.
> 
> Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.  
> All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.
> 
> I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.  
> I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

 

* * *

 

" _There is a universal truth we all have to face whether we want to or not: everything eventually ends."_

Alexis Castle: Always

* * *

It's the little things that catch him off guard.

…

The big things like being alone in his bed every night and every morning, or like not eating unless he buys or makes it himself; those things he's prepared for, and because they are expected he can insulate himself from some of the pain. He bought a smaller bed, because 'their' bed felt too big; He adapted his diet so that he ate things which he could get ready made or were very quick to prepare. It was amazing how many new frozen dinners they now made which were vegetarian. He avoided past favorites, but as most of those were Jenny's own recipes, he couldn't get them elsewhere anyway.

He moved from his apartment, to right across town. The memories of that last terrible day had chased away all the good memories they had made together there. His new place was smaller, and the rooms didn't echo with the lack of sound. It meant that his route to work was different; new places to take in, without the connotations of the past.

…

But the little things? A hint of perfume or a snatch of a tune; they are his undoing.

Just today he and Javi were driving along, going to interview a suspect in their current case and a song came on the radio that Jenny had loved and always used to sing along to. He found tears welling in his eyes and was just thankful it was Javi driving, because he would likely have crashed the car, seeing as he was not able to see where he was going for a while. Thank God Javi didn't notice, or at least pretended not to, because explaining would have hurt even more.

Sometimes he would go to a bar or a diner with Javi and catch a trace of scent and he would turn his head, convinced that Jenny would be there, but of course she never was.

Or he would go to walk through Central Park and down to the lake. Jenny loved to go there and feed the ducks. As a child her father had always taken her on Sunday morning after church and it was something she loved to recreate with him. So when he was not working on Sundays that's what they would do; go to Mass and then go to the park. And now he would go alone, but sometimes he'd catch sight of a fair head leaning down by the lake and his breath would catch, sure that it was her.

…

It was the little things he was losing as well, like the fact that although he could still hear Jenny's voice in his head, he couldn't tell you anymore the exact timbre or tone of the voice. At first he had heard her with perfect clarity, but now, months later, it had faded and become muted. Oh he knew there were things he still did because he could hear her telling him to, like rinsing the dishes off before he put them in the dishwasher, or putting down the toilet seat after use, but the actual nuances and sound of her voice, that he had lost. For as much as he wanted a new start, he found his whole being screaming to hold on to the past, and yet he found that the memories were slipping away, their clarity being eroded by time. He felt that he was betraying Jenny by not holding on to them more tightly.

…

Sometimes he found himself wandering into stores they used to go to together, just so he could try to recapture some of the memories. He swears the assistants at the lingerie counters in Bloomingdales must think he's a pervert or something, for the number of times he's wandered down their aisles alone. Jenny always did love to model for him and let him help her choose her clothes, especially her lingerie.

Then there's the flower street seller, who 'sets up shop' near the precinct. He still finds himself buying roses every week, just as he'd always done, because trying to explain why he stopped would be just too hard. But she gives him this look now, filled with pity, and he's sure someone has told her that his wife is gone. He just can't bring himself to stop though, because then he would be admitting she's gone.

…

Every little thing he loses or stops doing makes it that much more permanent, makes him acknowledge just a little bit more that his life as it was before is over, and he still isn't ready to completely face that. He's not sure if he ever will be.

…

So, yeah, it's the little things. They catch him off guard every time.

…


	5. Ridere ~ Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.  
> Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.
> 
> Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.  
> All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.
> 
> I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.  
> I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

* * *

 

" _I found a new route that'll get us to The Old Haunt in eight minutes. You up for a beer? C'mon. I know the owner."_  


Kevin Ryan: One life to Lose

* * *

It had been one hell of case. They had been chasing a killer who targeted runaway teenagers, and who had shot and killed five young people at the start of their lives; and had then laid them out, with arms crossed over their chests, their hands clasped together as if in prayer, and their eyelids cut from their bodies so that their unseeing eyes gazed up as if to an unseen God. The team had struggled against dead end after dead end until the total fluke of the killer being accidentally caught on a phone camera video of a group of kids having a good time, led to some fancy deductive reasoning, which in turn had led the team to finally being able to catch and stop her. And that was the crux which had made the case so difficult in the first place; they had been looking for a man. A female serial killer was a fairly rare phenomenon.

Gates had apologetically given them the use of a couple of extra detectives. She was aware that a case of that magnitude should have had a lot of extra manpower, but unfortunately it was only one of three difficult cases the 12th Precinct Homicide Department was coping with at that time, and they had been spread thin to manage them all. But she gave Beckett her choice; and Karpowski and Merton had been the obvious ones, after they had worked so well and so closely with them when hunting for Ryan.

So now here they all were, along with Lanie, nursing drinks in The Old Haunt. Releasing the tension, which had built up over the two plus weeks of the case, by laughing and joking about past cases. Even Ryan had relaxed and was joining in, not in small part due to the excellent whisky Castle had been feeding him. In fact, they were all on their way to getting quite merry. Merton and Karpowski had some interesting insights into some of the team's cases, as they had been on the sidelines looking in and not directly involved. Merton, from whom the alcohol had released a hidden comedian, was chortling as he described how the team had reacted when Natalie Rhodes was trailing them for insights into her Nicki Heat role.

"It looked like she totally intimidated you all," he laughed. "You appeared to be constantly hiding from her and avoiding her! When she appeared in clothes identical to yours, Beckett, your face was absolutely priceless. And there you were, Ryan chasing Jenny all the way to the elev… er, sorry, I think I'm getting carried away." His voice trailed away as he suddenly seemed to realize he could have really upset his colleague. Ryan, himself, was swallowing hard and there was a watery sheen to his eyes. Merton shivered as he noticed the murderous look on Esposito's face as the Latino looked at his partner, and then swung his gaze around to the usually quiet and reticent detective. He started to apologize again, but was interrupted by Ryan, who seemed to have recovered his equilibrium.

"No, It's OK. Actually it's good. I don't want to never mention her like she never existed. I missed her wake, so I didn't get to share in the stories."

"Stories?"

"Yeah. An Irish Wake isn't about wailing and mourning. It's about celebrating a life well lived and remembering the person. Remembering someone, in a way, helps you feel they're still here. That's what I missed when I was stuck in the hospital, afterwards; the sharing of the memories of Jenny."

"Then maybe that's what we should do now," said Castle. "I know we don't have any childhood or family memories of Jenny, but we do have our own memories of the time we knew her. We can celebrate her life that she shared with you."

"I think I'd like that."

There was a pause, as they all gathered their thoughts together, and then Esposito started speaking.

"She was a great cook," he said. "You all know me. I like my meat, my burgers, and my dogs; so the first time I went to Kevin and Jenny's for a meal I was pretty reluctant, as I knew she was vegetarian. But she made this amazing dish that was all different vegetables and was absolutely delicious. I kept bugging Ryan afterwards to bring me a doggy bag for my lunch whenever she made it. And remember those outstanding cookies she sent us all? They were fantastic!"

"Take note, Lanie. The way to Espo's heart is definitely through his stomach!" laughed Beckett, lightening the mood again.

"Oh, I don't know girl. I know a number of other ways!"

"Lanie, please there are ladies present!" objected Castle.

"Hm-mm," she murmured, glancing sideways at Beckett and Karpowski, "Oh, I think they know some tricks that are all their own! And I know Jenny did. We had some illuminating conversations on our girls' nights out. Put a few drinks in that girl and she came out with some VERY interesting facts!"

"Lanie!" cried Ryan, "I don't think I want to know how much of my intimate life with Jenny you know."

"Well I certainly know I don't want to know!" remarked Esposito.

Beckett had started giggling. "Lanie d'you remember that conversation we had about vibrators? We were…" She trailed off as she realized that the men present were gazing at her with their eyes popping out. "Then again, maybe that's not a story to remember in mixed company. And certainly not a suitable one for a wake."

But now Ryan had started to smile. "No," he said. "It's about ALL of our memories of her. She had her fun and mischievous side too. That was one of the wonderful things. She could always find ways to surprise me. It was never boring."

"Despite the honeymilk?" asked Esposito, with a grin of his own.

Ryan answered with another smile. "The honeymilk helped me sleep. Sometimes I regretted telling you all about that, and setting myself up for ribbing, but I never regretted the drink. I was borderline insomniac before I met Jenny, and that was her caring and practical side coming out. She never gave you platitudes. She always tried to find a way to really help."

"And how about now, Kevin," asked Beckett gently. "How do you sleep now?"

"There are good nights and bad nights. But when it's bad I make the honeymilk myself. I can hear her in my head telling me to stop being stupid, get myself a drink, and get some sleep."

"You're so right, about her always trying to find a way to help," said Roselyn Karpowski. "She was very empathic."

"I'm sorry," said Ryan. "I never realized you knew her that well."

"Oh I didn't," she explained, "there was just this one time. You were all out on a case, and Jenny came in to the precinct looking for you on the off chance of going to lunch. When she realized you weren't there, she started to leave, but somehow she sensed there was something wrong with me. That's what I mean about being empathic, because I'd never spoken to her before, not properly, just a nod of acknowledgement when I saw her, y'know. She touched my shoulder and asked me if I was OK, and it made me tear up, so she suggested we went down to the diner across the street and have some coffee and a bite. You see, I'd just got a call that my grandmother had died. My mom and dad were across the country in California, and I had no-one to talk about it to. Jenny got me talking about her, telling stories of my times with her, like we're doing about Jenny herself now. It helped me so much. I never got to spend time with her again, but I've never forgotten how she helped me that day. Jenny was an amazing person, Ryan. She made me smile through the tears."

"She always wanted people to smile." Ryan said, "It was the bedrock of her philosophy on life. I make myself remember it and try to honor her by remembering to do it. Remember that old Nat King Cole song? She loved that. I sing it in my head for her all the time." He softly started to sing,

" _Smile, though your_ _heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky_ _you'll get by. If you smile through your pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through, for you."_  His voice was getting stronger and one by one the others with him joined in.

" _Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying. You'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just smile."_

As the notes of the song died away, Castle turned to Ryan and smiled himself. "That is a wonderful way to remember and honor her. I think it's something we'll all take from this night. So everyone, let's toast the lady herself; her life, her caring, her giving and her humor. To Jenny." And they all held their glasses high and echoed his words…

"To Jenny."

…


	6. Congelato - Frozen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.  
> Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.
> 
> Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.  
> All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.
> 
> I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.  
> I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

* * *

 

" _To my partner, Kevin Ryan, a credit to the job"_

Javier Esposito: Kick the Ballistics

* * *

They had been working the case for seven days, and the first four had dropped a body a day. The victims had been shot twice, once in the head and once in the heart; but first they had been flogged. By the fourth day the team had no leads, nowhere to go, and a collective sick feeling in their stomachs for how many more bodies would drop before they figured something, anything, out. On the fifth day they waited for the call but to their relief and yet disquiet, it never came. As the sixth day dawned they half expected two bodies, thinking number five had just not been found. Although this was unlikely as the bodies had all been dumped in well-travelled locations, it was possible that the killer had chosen a more remote drop-site instead for the fifth body. But the sun had set on day six and again no more bodies, at least not for this case.

So here they were on day seven, looking for inspiration. Even their resident story-teller had no theories for this one.

"There has to be a reason the bodies would stop, but I just can't see one, except for the obvious, like he was hit by a bus!"

"We need to recap on the vics so far, and maybe do some re-interviewing of colleagues and nearest and dearest. Ryan?"

"OK, first vic. Claire Johnson, twenty-seven; Caucasian, married to Mike, no children; lives in Manhattan, works as a dental receptionist for her dentist husband. No convictions, not even a parking ticket; doesn't appear to have any money worries, and apparently gets on with everyone she meets.

"Second; Daniela Moreno, twenty-three; born in Puerto Rico but lived in New York since childhood; unmarried but lives with her fiancé, Scott Daly in Brooklyn; works as a counter assistant at Bloomingdales. Scott works as a runner on the stock exchange floor. One prior for recreational drug use, again no apparent money worries and seems to get on well with everyone." Esposito now took over the narration.

"Vic number three. Carla Daniels; black, thirty-year-old, unmarried mother of one teenage girl named Hallie. Works as a nurse at the Harlem Hospital Center in Manhattan, but lives in the Bronx. No partner or boyfriend, but does date according to her friends at the center. No apparent money worries either and no convictions. Her friends described her as a caring nurse, friend and mother, so appears to have no problems with people either.

"And finally vic number four Jolene Cairns; Caucasian, thirty-two years old; married, with two young children. Lives in Queens and works as a part time teaching assistant at the elementary school her boys attend. Another squeaky clean woman with no money or people problems. Her husband is Morten Cairns, a lieutenant fire-fighter in Queens."

"So apart from no apparent problems and mainly clean records they have nothing in common. Different races, ages, marital status; two with, two without children. Even their coloring and body types are different. There appears to be absolutely no connection at all."

"Except for the way they died," Castle said somberly. Beckett flashed a look at him.

"Yeah, except for that," she agreed. "OK, back to the beginning. Let's look at each one as a separate event for now, and restart them all. We'll swap over the interviews and maybe fresh eyes will spot something. Ryan, Espo, you two take Johnson and Daniels this time around, and Castle and I will take the ones you had, Moreno and Cairns."

"As you wish."

…

As Esposito drove to the Johnson home in Manhattan, he glanced worriedly at his partner.

It had been over two years now since Jenny's death, and Ryan, although no longer the ever cheerful individual he had been, had seemed to settle back into his job without the problems Esposito and Beckett had been anticipating. The boys didn't joke around to the extent they had before, but the banter between them was back, and they had regular weekly Madden nights as well as getting together to watch football and have a drink occasionally. Ryan did spend an inordinate amount of time at the precinct, often looking into cold cases long into the evenings, which is why Javier insisted on them keeping those weekly nights. He was determined that his friend, Kevin, would take a break sometimes and forget about being a cop.

Esposito, himself, was spending the majority of the rest of his time with Lanie, and they were talking about moving in together, but his  _chica_  had agreed that whatever happened he needed to continue to be there for his partner to ensure a little relaxation occasionally. She would be quite happy to have a regular night out with her friends.

This case, however, seemed to have really unsettled Ryan and apart from briefings etc., he had been desperately quiet, with the banter between them missing.

"You OK there, Bro? You seem to be deep in thought. Got some new ideas, too crazy even to run by Castle?" Ryan smiled weakly.

"Nah, I'm fine; it's just… never mind, it can wait. We're here." Esposito nodded, parked, and then spoke again to his partner as they left the car.

"You OK to take the lead again, like you did with Daly and Cairns? You can empathize with them better than me, in this case."

"Yeah, I guess I really can!" There was a bitter edge to Ryan's voice.

"Bro…" Esposito started to speak, once more wanting to get to the root of whatever was bugging Ryan, but his partner interrupted him.

"I told you, I'm fine; let's get on with this." He strode away into the building where the Johnsons' apartment was, and with a sigh, Esposito followed.

…

Mike Johnson told the same story he had told Beckett and Castle. He could think of nobody who would do this to his wife. He couldn't see how anyone could be in her life he didn't know about as they worked and lived together, and so were rarely apart. She had gone out to collect groceries and never returned. He phoned the police that night but was told to wait the requisite twenty-four hours, and before he could report it again, the police were at his home telling him she was dead.

He was dazed and confused, and fighting tears as he described how happy they were together, and that he couldn't see how he was going to manage without her. Ryan felt his heart drop for the man, as he knew exactly what Mike would face in the days to come. He could well understand the pain and bewilderment he was feeling. At least Ryan, himself, had soon known why his wife had been killed, but for the few moments in the apartment when Jenny was shot before him, he had faced the same bewilderment.

As Johnson had no partner in his practice, the detectives saw no point going there with everything closed up. They would need to get an address for the dental nurse from the precinct, which they had neglected to do before they left.

However they were not far from the hospital center where Carla Daniels had worked, so they decided to go there before they went to the precinct. Again, they heard nothing new until they spoke to Sally Fielding; a friend of Carla's who had just returned from vacation.

"I know she was having some sort of beef with a patient care assistant from the psychiatric department, but I don't know what it was about. I saw them arguing a couple of weeks ago, just before I went on vacation. I should have gone to ask her if she was OK, but I was just finishing my shift and only had a couple of hours to make my plane. So I thought I'd catch up with her when I got back. Now it's too late."

"What day were they arguing?"

"Two Sundays ago, the 13th."

"And his name?"

"Colin… Colin Granger. He's a big guy, used to be a Marine before he came here. He's a bit creepy, seems to enjoy dealing with 'difficult' patients. I've heard some stories; they say he likes to be in control."

…

As they left the hospital, with Ryan driving this time, Esposito called in and spoke to Beckett.

"We are on our way to speak to one Colin Granger, who was seen arguing with Carla Daniels about 10 days before she disappeared. He works as a patient care assistant, what we used to call an orderly, on the substance abuse unit of the psychiatric department. He used to be a Marine, so there should be Naval records. Apparently he likes to be 'in control'."

"OK, well we got nothing from our interviews, so this looks like our only possible lead. Go have your chat and we'll see what we can find here."

"You got it." Esposito cleared his radio and looked to his partner. "Did you get that, Bro? Hey, stop we're here."

"Yeah, but Javi I think he just left. Thought we could see where he was going." He gestured to the black SUV at the end of the street, ahead of them.

"How d'you know it's him?"

"I don't, for certain, but it pulled from in front of the right building, and it just looks like the right kind of vehicle someone who likes to be in control would drive. Run the plate and check. It's a pleasant day for a trip and we can always go back. Good to be away from the precinct for a while."

"Says the man who never leaves! OK, Bro, I'll do that." Ryan just nodded and concentrated on not being spotted following while Esposito called in and ran the plate. "OK, hunch man, you got it right. The SUV is registered to Colin Granger. Now let's see where the  _hombre_  is going."

The vehicle continued on towards the docks and then Esposito recognized the abandoned warehouses they had searched when they were looking for Ryan. The traffic was thinning and they were having to drop back to avoid notice, but the SUV was still in sight ahead of them. Then they noticed it had pulled into a dead-end side street ending at a large rotting warehouse. Ryan drove past the end of the side street and Esposito spotted Granger going into the warehouse. They parked down the street, and cautiously returned on foot.

…

Meanwhile Beckett was becoming concerned about her partners, as she delved into the life of Colin Granger.

"These Army records are quite illuminating. Granger was given a dishonorable discharge when he got into a fight with another Marine. He nearly killed him."

"Hard to do with your bare fists. Was he using martial arts?"

"No, Castle, he used a whip!" She turned to stare at him.

"A whip? Are you sure? You need to be fairly skillful to use it as a weapon against an opponent who can fight back. I did research for one of the Derrick Storm books."

"But the boys don't know that! Try ringing them while I tell Gates what is going on, and that we have a possible lead."

She returned a few minutes later to find Castle speaking on her desk phone.

"The boys' phones are off, but that was dispatch. They were trailing Granger's SUV and called in a location down near the docks. Said they were going to investigate an old warehouse."

"Damn, we need to get down there. They need backup. They don't know what they're up against! Come on, have you got the address?"

"Yeah, right here. Let's go."

…

Ryan and Esposito had cautiously entered the warehouse and found themselves in smallish area with corridors leading off in different directions. From somewhere directly ahead of them they could hear faint sounds echoing. With guns drawn, slowly and quietly they started towards the distant noises, only to hurriedly pick up speed when they clearly heard an anguished scream.

As they got nearer they could hear more screams, and also the crack of a whip. Ryan found his legs locking and however hard he tried he could go no further forward. His breath was coming in small pants and his vision was blurring.

Esposito hadn't noticed his partner's incapacity and kept going forwards. A few moments later, he burst into a larger room, and took in the sight of a woman chained to a mesh scream with blood dripping on her back. Granger was standing with his back to him holding a large whip with an evil looking hook gleaming at the end of its tail.

He raised his gun and started to shout NYP… when suddenly he found himself on his back with the gun gone from his hand. The hook had caught and ripped his hand when the gun was wrenched away, and he gave a sharp grunt of pain and raised his arms across his face, when he found the whip raining down on him again. The hook was catching and ripping his unprotected hands and was starting to cut through his clothes. Where the hell was Ryan?

And then as suddenly as it started, it stopped, as a shot rang out, and Granger fell backwards with a neat hole in his forehead. Esposito brought his arms down from his face and looked up at the doorway, where his white-faced partner stood, shaking slightly as he gazed at the man he had just taken out. And then Ryan's legs just appeared to give out and he slid to the floor, as Esposito raised himself in the opposite direction.

Once standing, he was torn between going to his partner, and assisting the woman who was sobbing quietly, still chained to the mesh screen. The decision was made for him, as Beckett and Castle arrived through the door, and went to the woman's aid. Leaving Castle with the woman, Beckett called for a bus and then checked Granger on the floor. Esposito made his way over to Ryan and slid down to the floor beside him. His partner had silent tears dripping down his face and still looked white and shell-shocked.

"Javi. Are you OK? What happened?" Beckett had come to them after ascertaining that Granger was dead.

"He was whipping at me with that hellish thing, and then Ryan took him out. It was a righteous shot, Beckett; he saved both me and the woman. Look, I know we need to talk to IA, but can you give us a minute please?" She nodded, and then gently took Ryan's gun from his still shaking hand.

"I'll hold onto that for you, shall I, Kevin." He slowly nodded and then she left them alone and went to deal with the woman and the paramedics.

…

In the days to follow, when they searched Granger's house, they would find diaries and photographs. Many, many, photographs of Carla Daniels; and passages in the diaries, declaring undying love to her. Granger had been totally obsessed.

But when he'd moved his adoration from afar and tried to get her to go out with him, trouble hit when she declined. The writings became angry until the passage dealing with the argument witnessed by Sally Fielding spewed forth hatred as he detailed how she had lost her temper and turned him down in no uncertain terms. There and then he'd decided to make her suffer, but his self-preservation was high and he concocted the 'serial killer' plan to divert suspicion. He chose the other three victims purely at random. The only thing they needed to be was available and convenient to take. None of them stood a chance against him.

There was never meant to be more than four. Just enough to muddy the water and never let him be found. The trouble was, he enjoyed it. Enjoyed the power of being able to beat a woman into total submission, until he took away the only thing she had left; her life. So Granger decided to indulge himself at random times, convinced that the unpredictability would protect him from discovery.

Also in those following days Internal Affairs would declare that Kevin Ryan had discharged his weapon in a righteous shooting to protect the lives of both his partner and an innocent victim. But that was to come a few days hence. In the immediate aftermath, the partners sat together catching their breaths.

…

"You OK, Bro?" asked Javier, gently. Ryan gave a strained laugh.

"I should be asking you that. You could have been killed! I let you down."

"Let me down! Bro, you saved my life."

"I froze, Javi. As soon as I heard that damn whip, I couldn't move. I don't know what changed and let me move again, but if I hadn't, if I'd stayed out in that damn corridor, by the time Beckett and Castle got here, it could have been too late."

"But you did move! You saved me, just like you always do whatever the cost to you. I never did properly tell you what I should have, did I?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Me, facing my fears, or not! I told myself I'd tell you when you got better, and then you DID get better and I wimped out again."

"Javi, you don't wimp out, you're the strongest man I know."

"No, you see you got that wrong. It's easy to be brave when you're not afraid. Talking to someone about how I really feel, or actually admitting I'm wrong, that terrifies me, and I wimp out every single time. Well not this time. I need to tell you before I lose my nerve again. Kevin Ryan, you're the strong one because you face your fear and do it anyway.

"Physical strength doesn't really matter, although you took what Lockwood dished every bit as well as I could have done; but no your strength is complete, because you have conviction and you always follow it through no matter how much it hurts you. And if you do something to hurt or upset anyone, you can always make it right, because you have the balls to admit when you're wrong and to apologize.

"I hurt you and I let you down. I called you a Judas when really I betrayed you because I didn't trust you and afterwards I couldn't admit you did the right thing. I couldn't let go of my damn pride and admit that I got it wrong. And I continued to make you pay for my mistake, until I finally let it go, but I STILL didn't tell you. We just both ignored it like it never happened.

"All the time you were missing I was agonizing over that and promising myself I'd tell you, and I did tell you but you were unconscious at the time, so that was probably the cowards way as well, because afterwards I never got around to it. Kept telling myself I'd tell you when you were stronger and could take it in, and then I forgot and let it go again.

"So Bro, I have to tell you that I am truly sorry for all the times I've let you down, but especially that one. And that you are the strongest and most loyal person I have ever met. The day you were made my partner was one of the best days of my life, though I didn't see it at the time, because you… you're the best. I am honoured and blessed that you've stuck around and put up with me and I don't think I could face the job without you."

"I… I…" Ryan was still looking shell-shocked, but now it was for a different reason.

"Well, say something!"

"I couldn't face this job without you, either, Javi. I don't think you realize how much you keep me from falling apart. If I'd lost you, as well Jenny, I don't think I could have survived."

"Oh you would have. I told you, you're stronger than you think. But I'm damn glad you don't have to find out. Come on, let's get out of here. The sooner we get seeing IA over and done with, the sooner we can hit a bar and get a drink or two inside us."

"What about Lanie? Weren't you seeing her as soon as the case was over?"

"She'll understand. I need to be with my partner tonight. If you're up for it?"

"With you, Javi. Always."

…


	7. Seven: Accommodans ad Dolorum - Adapting to the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of snapshots over the three years following the events in "Tenebris Procumbit" detailing Ryan's journey as he comes to terms with the changes in his life.  
> Contains angst, friendship and humor; AU focusing on Ryan but featuring the whole team.
> 
> Set Season Six just after Kate returns to the 12th.  
> All past events are established canon, with references and possible spoilers, but the story is AU.
> 
> I don't own Castle - ABC Studios and Andrew Marlowe do. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while to play.  
> I am not making any money from this; it's just to freeshare with my ff friends.

* * *

"…  _there are some people who are so much a part of us they'll be with us no matter what._  


_They are our solid ground. Our North Star, and the small, clear voices in our hearts that will be with us, always."_

Alexis Castle: Always

* * *

Kevin Ryan was facing a momentous day; a day he was both welcoming and dreading; and he knew it was a day he had to face alone.

…

Not long after he had returned to work, in the aftermath of the worst event he had ever faced, he had found himself alone in the break room with Beckett. Castle had gone out with Esposito, an unusual event, but one that did happen occasionally, especially in those days when his teammates were coddling him and not allowing anything with the potential to hurt and upset in his proximity. He had been sitting at his desk when Merton and Karpowski had brought in a female suspect, and she had been wearing perfume… the perfume Jenny had often used. He had sharply turned his head to look and then swallowed down the pain, as memories of the past assaulted his mind. Then he had dived into the break room, in case any of the unshed tears in his eyes had fallen and given even more reason to worry. Castle and Esposito were not there to see that day, but Beckett had been. And of course, with her senses hypersensitive to protecting her friend, she had seen… and followed him.

"You OK, Kev? Did something happen?" He lifted his head to look into her eyes and allowed her to see the watery glaze coating his usually clear blue eyes, and then deflected her questions with some of his own.

"Does it ever get any easier? Does it ever stop hurting?" She softly sighed, and then replied to him.

"No Kevin, it doesn't ever completely stop hurting. Anyone who tells you that is lying, or hasn't ever been there. 'Time heals all wounds' is a platitude they hand out from those who don't know what a real wound is. But I tell you what does happen, you adapt to it. You learn to live with it, just as you would learn to live with a lost limb or a nagging, never-ending pain. So it does get easier. You can do other things and stop thinking about it all the time. You can start to remember the good times with joy, instead of dwelling on the bad. But the one thing which is a universal truth is that it DOES take time to get there, and that's what you must give yourself. And know that we're here for you if you need us." He nodded and then gave her a weak smile.

"Thanks."

…

And now months and years later, he found she was right. Jenny was a background constant in his head. He didn't dwell on her loss anymore, and many of the memories which assaulted him were happy and filled with joy. He could get on with his life and enjoy things again. His nights spent playing Madden with his partner, for instance; or going to a game with Javi and Castle, and sometimes with Lanie and Beckett too. He could look at his friends, now, and be happy they had their relationships; watch them hugging and kissing without feeling the deep-seated, heart-wrenching jealousy, which came from missing the most important person in one's life.

Sometimes, but only occasionally now, loneliness would hit him; eating a meal alone, or lying in his bed late at night. But instead of wallowing down into despair as he had done before, he would have a conversation with her in his head. He would remember times which made him laugh and they would lift him up and out of his pain.

The impromptu 'wake' they had held in The Old Haunt had helped him... a lot. He hadn't realized how much missing her actual wake had affected him and delayed some of the process of adapting to his new status. But there was one thing he still hadn't faced, and he had decided that today was the day. Today he would say goodbye to Jenny.

He lifted a hand in a low wave, to say that he was leaving to his three colleagues and friends, and then took a deep breath and entered the elevator to leave the building. They knew where he was going, and wanted to support him; but they also knew that this was something he needed to do alone. Outside on the sidewalk he went to the flower seller and asked her for a dozen roses.

"Is it a special day?" she asked. "It's not your normal one, and you usually only buy six."

"Yes," he answered. "It's my wife's birthday, and I'm going to see her."

"Oh," she said. "You don't live together anymore then. They said something had happened but I didn't…"

"It's OK. You can say it. She died, but I'm still going to see her. I'm going to the cemetery."

"Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry."

"It's OK." He said again. "It was a while ago now and I'm getting used to it."

"Well, God bless you, dear. I hope today goes well for you." She smiled sadly at him, and he returned the smile and went over to his car.

…

As he drove he was thinking about Jenny and the ways his life had changed since she had passed away. He still bought the roses, and he thought he always would. They brought sunshine and a beautiful fragrance to his home. He would never buy flowers again for a woman he loved, but saw nothing wrong in buying some for himself in her memory. Actually, that was wrong. He would buy flowers again for Jenny; to take to her, at her grave. He was glad she'd never liked red roses. The color of blood would have played vivid pictures in his head he never wanted. No, Jenny had loved yellow roses, the color of light and sunshine; and that was what they brought to his apartment.

His life had moved beyond what it had been when living with Jenny, but some things remained the same. She still spoke to him, in his head, reminding him to do things, to care for himself and to give him solace when he needed comforting. He was sure she always would, and was just as sure that he could never again find a woman who would complete him the way Jenny had done. His life from now on would be alone, as far as romance went anyway, but he also knew he would never be truly alone, because he would always have his friends: his 'cop family'.

He had his blood family as well, although his relationship with his parents had been strained since Jenny's death. There was an uncomfortable atmosphere when he visited them, and he believed they did hold him partly responsible for the death of his wife. As for his siblings, they were all older than him, and had their families to keep them busy. He didn't begrudge them their happy family lives, but was reluctant to visit, as seeing them with their children made him realize how much he had truly lost when he lost Jenny. Not just his wife, but his whole future with a house full of children.

…

And now he was here, at Jenny's new home in the cemetery. Because he had missed her funeral he had never been here before. Had never been able to face it. He walked along between the graves until he found her name on a beautiful cream marble stone. Her parents had visited and consulted with him about the stone. As a stone could not be erected until months after the burial, leaving the grave to settle first, he had been home from the hospital when the discussion had taken place. He was grateful they had included him, but assured them it should be their choice. He was only too aware that he was not the only one who had lost something precious that terrible day. Although they still had their sons, Jenny had been their only daughter. Despite this, unlike his own parents, Jenny's had not appeared to blame him. They had told him that like Jenny, they had had some reservations about his job, but had also been immensely proud of the fact that he served and protected every day. He felt humbled in the face of their love and understanding, and realized that Jenny had been the person she was partly because she had come from these two people. So as far as the stone went, he left it to them. He only had one small request. And as he stood here now he could see they had honored it.

He traced the words on her stone with his fingers. The words they had chosen:

Jennifer Duffy O'Malley Ryan

1980 - 2013

beloved wife and daughter;

sister and friend.

And below them in a beautiful cursive script, the one word he had chosen, the one word which summed her up above all others:

_Smile_

In the days to come Ryan would visit her often. To talk, to remember and to bring her roses. But today as he stood before her grave, he finally faced the fact that she was gone and that his life had to move on; he would never see or feel her physical presence again. But he also knew that because of her, he would always face the world with a smile, and that despite her being gone, she would always be with him.

…

* * *

So, that's the last chapter of Part Two. The Story is concluded in Per Adversa Ad Luce Part Three ~ Candorum : Incandescence


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